Authors Note: This weeks Random Thought is more of a request than it is a thought. I usually only write about things that pop up in my head throughout the course of the week but a good friend of mine asked me to touch on this subject, so a being the "through sickness and health" kind of guy I am (Whatever the fuck that means?), I decided to do it. After all, it was only a matter of time before this was brought up, so read on and enjoy.
There are only a few things in this world that get my heart pounding faster than the thought of being present for Clay Aiken's death. One of those things just so happens to be running red lights. Some other notables include; pictures of myself, civil war memorabilia and vaginal genocide.
Right now, I imagine that the gorgeous people out there reading this blog are saying, "Why the fuck are you talking about running red lights, you asshole? I came here to read something funny or at least disgusting -- if nothing else." Well folks, don't turn the other cheek just yet. Papa McButter is telling you right now that the kind of red lights I run have nothing to do with automobiles. Hell, I don't even own a car. Although if I did, it would be a powder blue, 1950's style breezer, that's for sure. I could picture it now (drifts into deep thought). Me behind the wheel on a brisk Sunday afternoon, my coif styled to perfection, donning my finest glad rags, all the while I'm accompanied by three swanky dames and we're cruising down to ole Tin Pan Alley for a night of boozing and good old fashioned unprotected sex. Heck, I imagine on a perfect day like that, if I ate coleslaw, I'd yearn to slop it all over their vagina's and eat it out of there. But I don't eat coleslaw, so lets move on to this weeks random thought. If that little diatribe wasn't random enough for you.
The World Wide Web offers several definitions for running a red light. For the purposes of this post, I decided to take it upon myself to write the following definition:
"Sexual intercourse between a man and a woman while the females reproductive organs are hemorrhaging like a pipe that just burst."
(Side Note: The sex can be consenting or non, but keep in mind that rape is a crime, and therefore, usually frowned upon by anyone who is not a rapist.)
In my 20 some odd years on this planet, I have yet to meet a man who has not ran a red light in the bedroom. As a matter of fact, if such a man exists, I'd like to spit right in his mouth. I am not sure how conversations arise about such a topic, but I have begun to notice a pattern in all of them. While men have come to accept the blood splatter they're going to get all over their unit and lower extremities (depending on the severity of the flow), the one qualm they all seem to have is when it gets on our fucking bed. Men of all races want to know how to protect their bedding during this delicate excavation. I can't blame them, because let's face it, cum stains, like grade school friendships, fade, but blood stains are like family, they last forever. In a perfect world, your sheets, your carpet and your mattress would be blood red, but they're not, so that is why, with the help of a couple beautiful minds, I have complied a short list of the best ways to protect your mattress from vaginal blood. This is that list:
1) Dark Sheets - They will hide the stains so your girlfriend won't question while your always washing your sheets when your broad on the side is on the rag. Unfortunately the sheets may not save your mattress (they didn't save mine) from leaving it a bloody mess. Plus you have to ask yourself if you really want to unknowingly sleep in a dried up pool of blood and secretions.
2) Lay Down a Tarp - This is a sure fire way to keep blood from reaching your linens. But, while your bed may be safe, there is always the risk of sliding off the bed and injuring the bleeder or even worse, yourself. Also, with tarp coverage, the blood may drip to the floor leaving your carpet looking like a crime scene. Try explaining that to grandma.
3) Lay Down a Dark Towel - This is the method of most men as it's easy to install and clean up is a breeze. Best used for when the dame's period is ending/beginning and if you're the kind of guy who likes to fuck in one place.
4) Vacuum Cleaner - Simply use the nozzle, with no attachment, and suck the blood out of that bad boy before your fuck it. Brilliant. Have some personal lubricant handy, because after the shop vac is done with it, that twat is sure to be parched.
5) Have Sex on Someone Else's Bed - Boom! Finally a solution with no cons worth mentioning. We all know you're a prick, just solidify it by wiping your blood drenched fingers all over the pillow. Make sure whoever owns the bed can't kick your ass and doesn't pay your bills.
6) The Sampler - All disgusting chain restaurants (See T.G.I. Fridays) offer an appetizer sampler or even an entree sample (E.g. Tour of Italy --Thank you, Olive Garden!), so why can't we? With that in mind, we at the Academy of Cunt Blood Prevention have decided to step up our game and offer a solution for the picky consumer. It’s a five step solution. For any retards out there, those five steps also happen to be the five I previously listed and when performed simultaneously they ensure the lack of a bloody mess.
I hope you found these suggestions both insightful and nauseating to read. I have to reveal that this post was not easy for me to write. Not because I think a bloody vagina is gross, but because I recently strolled through a red light, a few road blocks and blew through a police barricade with a cougar, and to be honest I'm still experiencing some trauma, but that's another tale for another time.
That's all for now....I hope your Friday snakes a finger up your ass.
Waffles McButter
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