Random Thought 4/10/09

Below is an actual conversation I had just last week through email with a friend of mine. I was so intrigued by the topic we discussed that I had to share.

Ali: "In your experience, have you found that girls have differently placed hoo-ha holes? And if so, is it very easy to detect the differences?"

Me: "I love that you come to me with these inquires...To be honest, I generally pay attention to other aspects of said hole; size, shape, odor, landscaping (or lack there of), precipitation (Sog-fest or desert) -- you know, things of that nature.

I never really thought to examine placement, although now I'm curious. Some girls are prone to make it more or less accessible though. Not meaning they are prude, but during the act they don't make an effort to move their fucking thighs out of the way if they are on bottom. But to answer your question, I can't recall a time where I said, "Gee, that don't belong there.""

Ali: "Ok wait - have you noticed an extreme difference in the size and shape of the holes??? I mean, size I can understand... but aren't they all shaped generally the same? Unless you're referring to outie holes, which are just abnormal and gross. But now I'm curious about size and shape.... please continue....

And not moving their thighs is just lazy."

Me: "By "shape" I'm referring to structure. I have never come across a rhombus shaped vagina (although that would be something to see). What I mean is that the tidiness of the hole can differ. You know what I'm talking about? Some look like precise, clean wounds -- while others look like they were a bit mangled or even masticated. I always assumed that was attributed to overuse though -- like tennis elbow or hemorrhoids.

So basically what I am trying to say is that when you refer to "outie holes," I am imagining a vagina that has mud flaps. Am I wrong?

By the way, your friend Adrianne = Lazy"

Ali: "A rhombus would be quite interesting. If you do ever stumble across one, please take a photo and text it to me.

Outie holes are ones that look like they're sticking their tongues out at you from the get go --no leg opening or anything. It's just all up in your face. I liken them to Popples (Google them if you don't remember them from our 80's childhood). I shudder to think what a mangled hoo hoo looks like.

I was recently told that a guy friend of mine noticed a difference of an INCH and a HALF between the most recent two girls he'd been with as far as hole placement is concerned. I've never heard such a thing.

Haha I've heard that about her before :)"

Me: "An inch and a half?!?! I find that to just be simply retarded. And I mean that with all due respect to retards far and wide I don't think all the holes can co-exist in such a close proximity without some sort of horrid terror being caused when having sex. Now it's possible that I'm wrong and I guess its also possible to have a more robust spread, but then think about if you moved your vag an inch and a half upward. I can't see that much variance being possible. Maybe a quarter to a half inch either way, but no more than that.

I am familiar to the outie type holes, I just figured they could be classified with mangled as well. How else would they have gotten that way? It's like catching your shirt on a door knob, only these girls caught something far more precious. When I think of one of these outie holes blowing a vart, I picture a whoopee cushion's lips quivering while its being deflated."

Ali: "hahaha I love the seriousness of this email conversation. I also thoroughly appreciate your prompt responses :)

And I know -- it's a huge difference. I'm assuming one of these girls either has a super fucked up hole or my friend doesn't know how to measure distance properly when using his index finger and thumb. I feel like I'd have to figure out some downward hip thrust move if my hootie hoo was moved upwards by that distance. How else would we be able to bone properly??"

Me: "I'm being serious because it's not everyday a fascinating new subject gets thrown on my lap. This is the first I'm hearing of this epidemic -- if we could even call it that? I'm not sure how boning would be if your hole was misplaced. I imagine you would go about it the same way one would approach a crooked penis --cautiously and with a good amount of disgust."

Ali: "I'm not sure that we can call it an epidemic at this point since so far we only have one account of this occurring.

Have you experienced a demure looking tucked twat only to find it mangled on the inside?? I shudder to think of that happening...
And I don't know if I could handle a crooked penis. I mean, I know my way around a penis... but crooked? I think I'd get too distracted."

Me: "What you're describing sounds like a revolting case of twat rot. Pedestrian on the outside, diabolical on the inside. Any broad with that problem should have their crotch blasted with a fire hose full of Masongil.

And don't try to sandbag me, you and I both know that you'd fix that cock's posture in one night."


That is all for now....hope your Friday sodomizes you

-Waffles

Random Thought 4/3/09

"Find it?" she said. "Yeah, I think I got it." I replied. "No, you don't! That's the wrong hole!" she painfully exclaimed.

"Wrong whole?" I curiously wondered.

"Here give it to me." she said, as she grabbed my rod like a stick shift and steered it in the right direction.

"Oh Jesus, that feels great," I muttered to myself.

She softly whispered in my ear, "Make sure you pull out when you're going to finish."

I thought to myself, "Pull out? I never want to leave this fucking thing!"

I began to thrust....in and out and in and out. But then suddenly, in the blink of an eye, it was go time. I quickly pulled out and BLAMO! A pearl necklace with the earrings to match. (Back then I made it rain.)

The sex lasted for what seemed like only seconds. I'm guessing that can be attributed to the fact that it did only last for seconds. Roughly, forty seven life changing ticks. Which is only a few seconds less than it would take an elite athlete to sprint a quarter mile. Suck on that, Steve Prefontaine!

After taking a few deep breaths, I tossed the dame a fizz rag and I lit a victory cigar. I then nakedly waddled, boner and all, to the bathroom to take a piss. It felt good.

When I returned to the room I noticed her eyes were filled with tears. "Why are you crying?" I asked. "Because we didn't use a condom! I don't want to get pregnant!" she replied.

She made a good point; one that had previously not crossed my mind. I began to cry.

After thirty minutes of crying and consoling, we both swore never to have sex without a prophylactic ever again. We hoped and prayed that God would spare us from having a child at age 17. After all, no one wants to be that pregnant girl in 3rd period gym class who can't participate in dodge ball for fear that her little mistake might get brain damage.

Ten short minutes after we vowed to never have foolish unprotected sex again, we began having foolish unprotected sex again...... Although my eyes were still red and stinging from the tears, sheer joy was once again plastered all over my face. Two minutes later, I pull out and I drizzle cum once more. Superstar.

We cry again.

And scene.

I chose to share this intimate story with you today, because a few short weeks ago marked the 10 year anniversary of the night that I lost my virginity. In the 10 years since, a lot has changed. I no longer cum from a stiff breeze, I've long since stopped weeping after unprotected sex and I actually have grown to enjoy cunnilingus (Unless, of course, the Jane's vagina omits a corrosive acid or foul stench). And it's been sometime since we spoke, but the girl who took my virginity now lives with her boyfriend of many years in his parent's house. I sense she cries about that these days.

Now I can't recall every sexual encounter I've had in my life; there have been plenty and 73% of them have been drunken blurs. But that night, that faithful fucking night, will forever be etched in my mind as the day I became a man. That's why, to commemorate this momentous occasion, I found a talented young artist in upstate New York and had him create a bust of my penis. I gave him no instructions. I simply told him to make me something magnificent.

Upon returning to his workshop a few weeks later, I was rendered speechless and struck with awe by what he had unveiled. He created a life size, cock-shaped paperweight made from pure gold. I have to admit, and not because I was looking at my own solid gold cock, it was glorious. This modern day Michelangelo believed that no freckle was too small and no stone would be left unturned. From the tip of the shaft right down to the taint line --the craftsmanship and accuracy of this phallic is remarkable. It is truly a spectacular memento (trophy) that belongs on every man's mantle.

That's all for now.....I hope your Friday touches little boys.

Lustfully,
Waffles